Teenage Sexuality In My Life
>In the 3+ years I've read this NG the 14 year-old question *has* come
>up before. And, as an example, I can point back to your personal
>outrage at being told--if I read you correctly--or the possibility of
>being ttold hat you couldn't have a romantic/sexual realtionship when
>you were 14. You seem to be claiming, now, that you were then 14 you
>were experienced and wise enough at 14 to make those decsions so your
>parent(s) should have stayed out of your business. At 14 did you
>communicate with a potential lover, discuss condoms, etc., talk things
>out and give each other time to adjust and ask questions, handle the
>responsibility of poly relationship. ---People in their late teens,
>20's, 30's, 40's, 50's and older are still working on learning how to
>do these things? What is the secret of your maturity at 14 that you
>could have handled all this? And I"m not being sacastic. Parents,
>counselors, teens would love to have whatever formulas, recipes, what
>strategies that worked for you to gain this knowledge. And I'm
>assuming that these ideas and philosophies worked for you. Then
>everyone could share and incorpotate some of these into their
>relationships and maybe these ideas would make growing easier for all
>teenagers. --What did you learn and know at 14? Maybe I could use
>some of your ideas and experiences with youngest child as she gets
>into those years.
I find it extremely difficult to read the above as anything other than
sarcasm, but I'm going to be nice and take your word for it.
1. I have said, several times, that I don't think most 14 year olds can
make these decisions.
2. I don't think I could teach a child who was not ready to make those
decisions what they would need to know to make them, for two reasons:
a. Some of it is pure attitude. I didn't have the attitude about
risk taking most teenagers have (i.e. "I'm invincible!") until about
17 (after I fell off a cliff), and even then I still had a great
deal of respect for sexual risks.
b. I learn differently than most people, especially children. I
learn best in a verbal-cerebral mode. By the time I was 14 I had
spent a _lot_ of time reading textual porn and sex-ed books, because
I was a horny little bastard and I wanted to be a good lover when I
had the chance. Specifically, I wanted to be Jondalar from "The
Valley of Horses". By 14, I knew factoids about sex many adults
3. I did not get a chance to discuss condoms with anyone at that age
because I had no potential lovers. That's the point, don't you see?! I
was ostracized, vilified, and abused (physically and emotionally) by my
peers. I desperately wanted the reassurance and love and support that a
semi-sexual relationship would have brought me, and I know from later
experience that I would have thrived. It is, to this day, extremely
difficult for me to be non-sexual friends with women because the
emotionas pain I went through at the time is such a core part of my
identity. I don't want friends, dammit, I want lovers, because I still
haven't filled the wholes those years created. That's why this shit is
so hard for me to discuss; I'm close to tears writing this. I was also
incredibly horny; I'm _still_ one of the highest sex drive people I
know. All the males on _both_ sides of my family are like that.
For the record, even if I had been in a romantic relationship, I
wouldn't have had to discuss condoms, because of decisions I had already
made about when I was going to have PIVI. I know I would have stuck to
those decisions because I did so later.
4. I do not think I knew as much when I was 14 about relationships and
sex and like that as I do now, which you seem to be implying is what I'm
saying. I _do_ think, however, that I had almost exactly as much
knowledge when I was 14 as I did when I actually _did_ have romantic
relationships (hereafter RRs), and I handled those fine, thanks. The
learnings that I needed to have to improve the way I handled
relationships were not going to come without me actually having any.
IOW, I was as ready as I was ever going to be, given that I hadn't
actually had any relationships yet. If I had taken much longer, I think
I might still be working through serious low self-esteem. I honestly
don't know how I would have handled the accident without the _huge_ self
esteem boost that, in particular, my second romantic relationship gave
5. I'm not sure that poly has anything to do with this discussion, but
by the time I had RRs I had run across the idea of poly. I discussed it
with my first few partners, and they flatly rejected the idea. At that
point, I was sufficiently happy to have _any_ RRs that I let it go.
6. I was also fully cognizant of the issues that prevented older people
from getting involved with me. I remember a certain camp counselor when
I was 15 or 16. She had the kindness to say yes when I asked to
dance with her at the camp dance. She is, too this day, quite possibly
the most attractive woman I have ever been that close too (I have a red
hair fetish, she was a natural). However, despite the pain of not doing
so, I didn't come on to her after the dance (or if I did, it was very
mild) because I knew she couldn't say yes.
7. I just remembered something which I think is relevant, and I don't
know why I didn't remember it before. When I was about 10, possibly
slightly older, I was in an RR. The girl was 13, IIRC. We kissed a
lot. The relationship did some nice things for me, but it caused a lot
of pain because I was visiting my dad and had to leave. It was totally
consesual, and is one of my fondest memories, although very. I was
_totally_ ready for that relationship. How ya like them apples?
Phew. That was horribly emotionally draining. Please don't ask me any
more; remembering the most painful aspect of my teenagehood at length
doesn't hit my joy buttons. I hope I've given you enough information
for you to see that some 14 year olds _can_ handle RRs. If not...
Well, right now I'm mostly too sad to give a shit, but I'd say you're
pretty fucking close-minded. Please don't share it with me if you still
don't believe me, because I don't want to deal with the kind of anger
that would cause.
I think I'm going to put this on my web page, though. I've rarely done
such a good job of self analysis.
http://www.csclub.uwaterloo.ca/~rlpowell/ || BTW, I'm male. Honest.
Flesh-queen, love-star, lust-pale Trandilar. ... Only-free and sent-far,
trickiest is Thandbar. -- A skip-rope chant from "Necromancer Nine" by